Saturday, April 24, 2010

Be Agressive...B-Be Agressive

I know most people really don’t want to hear it but this was my blog last time I checked so if you don’t like it click your mouse…I wouldn’t be Miss Redd if I didn’t rant about anything and everything…and most of the time it will involve the fact of how I am treated simply because of having the inner working of the female gender. There is my effin’ disclaimer if you want to call it that….
So as I was driving into work today…at 5:30 am on a Saturday might I add…I began thinking of driving…which I love to do…and all the annoyances from other peoples stupity that go with it, like say getting on the freeway at 45 MPH…”hey bitchface we are merging into 70MPH traffic…it’s the silly pedal on the right now push it you fuckin’ whore!”…do you know how hard it is to yell obscenities at a person that early in the morning. Anyways getting back on track…today’s blog isn’t about morons on the road, but don’t worry it will come. After I yelled at the bitch that gives me a bad name as a woman driver, and merged onto the freeway only to use that glorious rectagular foot rest to get the Caddie roaring and jet over to the left I began to ponder on comments I have heard about my driving, and that my friends is what Miss Redd will explore today in this fun little writing adventure.
I have been criticized for my agressiveness and speed on the asphalt jungle…both of which I believe are not faults…if you know what you are doing…but talents. Theese are skills that are fine tuned and give me the ability…without Johnny Law getting in the way…to make appointments I have forgotten about, have day trips instead of overnight adventures, and follow anyone, even those jackasses that always forget the person behind them is following because they don’t know where the hell they are going.
I admit I am a “natural” speeder…and yes I do believe there is a natural tendency in some people to speed so why should I be penalized for something that I can’t help…retards don’t get tickets for drooling in public do they? Or do blind people get ticketed for having a seeing eye dog or a fancy white cane? I think not! Your right I just used the handicaped in my defense, if you have a problem with it go file a complaint with the ADA, all I am saying if you aren’t going to penalize someone for being a retard why penalize me for a natural tendency that if I ever had the oodles of bank would do research to show that there is a “speederd” gene. You bet if I had the cash flow I would waste money on such a thing! I, like my father, tend to drive above the speed limit, which really I believe should be a “suggested” speed. Really what is the big deal, if I am aware of my surroundings, have a car that will go and just what to get to where I am going, of me going 80+ on the freeway? Really am I hurting anyone? I think not, well exceot for the woman I made cry with my finger fly and mouth runnin’…but really people there is not reason to sit in the left hand lane at 55!!!! Get out of the way or deal with the consequence of my bashing vulgarity.
Moving forward I would like to say that my driving is the perfect storm…which you may assume is saying it is a bad thing but oh contrare mon frere if you think about it the “perfect storm” is like the lost arc to those weather junkies. It is something of power and intrigue. People respect the perfect storm and the power it holds within it. So my driving should be seen as a powerful force, something to awe instead of hate, goddess like if you will…so maybe instead of critique you should bow down to the mighty driving force that is Miss Redd….was that going a bit too far? Nah…continue bowing. I maneuver through the busy and not so busy streets like a ballroom dancer on crystal meth…if my car were human in would be mainlining speed like the fellow you see beggin’ for change on the corner of hoolywood and Vine…without the sunken eyes, twitches and pock face. When we made the trek down to LA I didn’t fear the drivers I respected them. On LA freeways if you see someone gaining on you in your rearview mirror you get the fuck out of there in the rainy NW it seems to be the opposite…”why should I get over in my Prius if I am doing 60 in a 70 in the “passing” lane? Maybe you should ease up on the carbon monoxide and get yourself a smart car that is slow as a slug.” FUCK OFF and get out of the frickin’ fast lane!!! When my husband or other people I know tell me I belong on the roads of LA that my friend is not a diss but a compliment…the day I am classified as a “Pacific Northwestern Driver” is the day my liscense should be revoked…hey hippie we get rain 80% of the year don’t drive like you have never seen a wet road before! You bet I don’t mind LA driving because people get out of the way and you aren’t glared out for tactical maneuvers.
Yes I am agreesive on the road but would we expect me to be any other way? And those that have a real issue with it I am sorry your pussy id the black hole campared to mine…don’t be hatin’ because this titty and vagina equipped person can out drive your pansey ass any day of the week, month, year or century. I am sorry I make you in your manly sports car look like a panty waste as I get by you and spew exhaust on your shiny red snorvette…not my fault you left your balls at home. I take pride in my driving!!!
It seems people who never have driven with me even comment on my driving. Every time the topic of the Stray Kitten, for those who don’t know, this is my Model A pick-up that should be on the road by the end of the year…I was promised...and Rob talks about one of the reasons it is not being rushed is that he wants to be sure it has strong suspension and brakes, it is always followed by somehting to the effect of, “Makes sense Deanna is going to be driving it.” Really? What is that supposed to mean? I am sure there are no guys out there that drive there toys hard. If this was Rob’s car our any other guy this comment would be made…once again I am struck with the vagina curse. You hear a guy talking about how he is taking his time to be sure the suspension is engineered right and that the brakes are the best it is never followed with “Smart dude cuz we all know how ya drive.” Why is it that we all need to mention how I drive like it is some sort of behaviorial issue. “Well we all know how Tommy steals.” “Well we all know how Susie is a tramp.” Well we all also know how men can be haters and intimidated by strong woman who aren’t afraid to drive something to it’s full potential. Tell you what buddy you can sit on your leather couch watching Rides reruns the day I go over 200MPH on the flats…deal?
So basically what my point today is, is that I admittedly drive aggressive and fast and screw anyone that doesn’t see I have the right to do so just as any Tom, Dick and Harry does. I drive safe and unlike most who drive 55, I am always aware of the road around me. So no I will never slow down…and no I will not tame the beast…I LOVE TO DRIVE!!!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Hang On Kids the Ride Will Finally Begin

I am going to be upfront and just put it out there…for those who may not know me…that I have a few…okay maybe a bit more than a peeves….most of which has to do with people’s ignorance. So, all who aren’t smart enough to stop reading will now get to enjoy a rant about one of these above mentioned pet peeves. Actually this will be a list, if you will, of connected such irritants that make me want to smack the poor dumb ass that should know better.

First thing I want to address is the stomach churning term “rat rod.” To here this spew out of a person’s mouth makes me want to stomp on baby bunnies…really people it has crossed my mind. It seems anything with flat black paint, or no paint, and red and cream stripes is part of this “kick ass” trend…***excuse me while I empty my chuck bucket**... that is taking over trailer parks and welfare lines everywhere. Just because you watched of Rides, Overhaulin, and American Hot Rod as regularly as my old Pentecostal grandma tuned in to Pat Robertson and Billy Graham, you are not an authority on cars nor do you posses the true passion and have the fuel of that running through you warm blue veins. You wouldn’t know a traditional road terror if it drove over your OCC tee wearing ass. To come up to a true gearhead and say, “Dude that is a sick rat rod,” does not make them feel proud but only show how you should be escorted away from the car before you stupidity tarnishes it’s copper dash.

Hey you scenester, buying a 50’s car throwing primer on it…or even better DP-90 doesn’t make you cool or a “car” guy. What is does successfully accomplish is showing what a true “got to be cool” duechebag you really are. You are the guy that will stand in line for 3 hours to get Chip Foose’s autograph and in the same day walk by Gene Winfield and wonder who the hell he is….hey dumb ass if it weren’t for Gene and his peers Chip Foose would be working at Napa…you’re right I said it…and any one offended can go buy there TLC fashion tees and use them as suppositories. Any asshole can spend three grand on a car and shop at the Dickies store…but true heart comes from within not a wallet. If you are 50 and have only gone to the swap meet a handful of times…don’t fuckin’ tell me what to do to my car…don’t argue with me on what year it is…I know I have a vagina but that doesn’t make me a moron and guess what buddy yours is bigger!!!

And before I go please realize…as hard as it is for you to do…that tri-five Chevy’s and snorevettes are not the bees knees…in fact they are like assholes…and surprisingly enough most of the time assholes tend to drive them.

I know I promised a good rant but it was a long day…I need clean clothes…and the teen gurl is buggin’ to check her FB. Until next time……